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Friday, 30 October 2009

  • A Lack of Asians

    I guess, looking back on it, a few people did warn me about the lack of Asians in the state of Connecticut. I also probably noticed during my visit out here before the move became "official." Still... one thing I guess I never noticed in LA, at least not so blatantly and openly, is the racial profiling, man!

    I kid you not... one of my catch-phrases here has become "Racially profiled everywhere I go!!!"

    I guess I shouldn't complain too much. I mean... it helped me get my first job. As a waitress at an Asian bistro. Run by white folk. Really.

    It went something like this...

    He then told me that he'd need to check my references, but I was as good as hired.
    He didn't even check my references. I was hired the next day.

    But it's not even people I've actually introduced myself to. One day, I was sitting in Barnes & Noble, minding my own business, and this little old lady I've never seen before in my life randomly comes up to me...

    Seriously... she comes up to me, while I'm on break from work, absorbed in a magazine, and out of nowhere asks me about the health properties of green tea. When I tried to play with her a little bit and tell her that I prefer black tea (which I do), she retorts "Well your mother must drink green tea." WTF MATE?! (Like Australia during a nuclear holocaust).

    But even my friends, believe it or not. See, I conduct Bible studies, along with a group in my congregation. So if ANY of them have Asian Bible studies, I simply must come along.

    .............Need I say more?

    I know it's all been in good humor, and not malignantly. But this is entirely new to me. I'm not THAT Asian. People have never treated me like I'm fresh off the boat and am automatically an expert on everything Asian.

    I feel like I suddenly went from this:

    (Yes, I know... already quite Asian)

    To this:


    (SUPER FOB!!!!!!!!)

    I guess, though, as long as it brings me benefits, I should just enjoy what I have and use it while I can.


    But the second somebody asks me out because he has an Asian fetish, I just might snap.
    lol.


    What about you? Have you ever dealt with being racially profiled?

Sunday, 20 September 2009

  • "He and I aren't going to be together."

    The more I say that to myself, the more real it becomes. The more I can feel myself let go. The more I can ready myself to move on. The less remorse I feel about what we had and what we lost.
    It's already gotten to the point where it should be "He and I aren't together." But really... we never will be again. All I can do is look back on when we were, smile about somethings, cringe about others, and wonder what the next time will be like.

    Things didn't end exactly well. But I still hope he's doing well. I know I am (besides for he and I not being together... which probably will work out better in the long run anyways).

    My new home (Connecticut) is so far fantastic. I can see myself making friends here. Of course it'll take a while... but I still have the ones in California to talk to once in a while.

    But he and I aren't going to be together.

    You know what that means? That means I can go to Romania in the summer, man. That means I have zero obligations outside of paying my rent; I don't even have other bills. My rent is all-inclusive (utilities, water, internet...), I've paid for my car and insurance, I don't have any loans out... I'm really quite free. I can choose my own obligations. Now is the most care-free and selfish time in my life. I don't need to worry about what anyone else wants from me.
    You know... I don't need to worry about how he feels with me across the country. I don't need to worry about how he feels if I go to another country for 3+ months. I don't need to stay put... I don't need to fret about our future... I don't need to think about how he wants kids and a house and a big yard and I... I don't.
    I can refocus on what I want. And I want a guy who doesn't want kids or a house or a big yard. I want a guy with a backbone. I want a guy who can support me too... not just the other way around.
    I want a guy who has the same wants as I do.

    So he and I aren't going to be together.

    Things didn't work out.
    Things won't work out.
    I don't need to worry about how he is in Texas or anything like that.
    I don't need to fret about talking to a new guy because he wouldn't like it if he knew.
    I don't need to fret that he's talking to some new girl and pulling stupid pranks like letting her sleep on his shoulder if they so happen to be sitting next to each other on a plane, even though he has me waiting for him at home... even though he'll tell me about it later. That prick.

    I don't need to feel guilty because if I get my way in life, he's going to miss out on what he wants... and if I consign myself to his wants... I'll live dissatisfied.
    I don't need to worry about dealing with his crazy mother. Or my neurotic one, for that matter.
    I don't need to worry about how he's going to turn out in life.
    I don't need to worry about him.

    Because he and I aren't going to be together.

    And I don't even know if I'll see or hear from him again.
    But I do feel confident in knowing... that no matter what time may bring... he and I aren't going to be together. And I should just keep saying that under I really, truly appreciate the freedom that implies.

Monday, 20 July 2009

  • Wet

    If I had to use one word to describe my first kiss, it would be... wet.

    I even wiped my mouth on his sweater *^_^*;


    We had been going out(ish) for a couple of weeks. We talked late on the phone almost every night. We hung out at least a couple times a week. We were together whenever we could be. We just couldn't be "official."

    Still... our feelings for each other were genuine.
    He knew I had never been kissed... and he was determined to be the one to change it.

    He'd had two girlfriends before, so obviously was the more experienced kisser. To be honest, I was a little intimidated. But one night on the phone... he told me he'd like to cup my face in his hand, hold me with the other, and kiss me... and I told him I'd like him to do that. So we set a date.

    We met at our usual spot... and from there walked hand-in-hand to a near-by park that I had scouted out a bit earlier. We walked up to the top of a hill, and he sat against a wall while I coyly leaned. We stayed like that for a moment, when he pulled me to the ground next to him.
    I was expecting it at any moment. When he looked at me in the eyes, I readied myself. Except then he fell back onto my lap, his back against my chest, his head in the crook of my arm. I wrapped my arms around him and put my chin on his shoulder. I felt full... of feelings!

    He flickered his eyes toward me and held me in a brief gaze... then flicked them back. Then again... then closed his eyes as though he'd fallen asleep.
    Lightly, I kissed his neck... ever so lightly that I think he only felt a tickle when he asked me what I was doing. I didn't answer, but I nuzzled closer. His eyes flicked toward me again... and there it was.

    My first kiss.

    Wet... at an awkward angle... with my hair perfectly in the way. I brushed it aside, wiped my mouth on his sweater and we tried again.

    My second kiss.

    Still at an awkward angle. I smiled... because even though it wasn't his first, and even though he'd had girlfriends... I knew then that he wasn't actually as experienced as all that.
    I sat him upright, turned so that we were next to each other, instead of one behind the other, and we kissed again.

    Soon, he held me in his arms, leaning me downward yet holding me up as he continued to kiss me.

    Gnashing teeth, unexpected tongue, wet kisses, and his hands trembling as I saw my face reflected in his eyes. All part of my first kiss.


    And all through the walk back to my class, he'd poke me on the shoulder so that I'd turn around into a kiss. He'd grab my hand and pull me around into my arms, fake that he was going to kiss me, and push his forehead against mine as he gazed into my eyes... and then kiss me.

    He had told me sometime during the hill that my heart was racing. I couldn't tell. Then he had me feel his... and it was as though his heart had a fast-forward button... but when we parted ways and I headed to class, from across the street, I turned to see his back as he walked down an alley... and for the first time, I realized... my heart was beating just as fast as his... and must've been the whole time through.

Monday, 13 July 2009

  • Correcting a Fallacy (The Actual First Time I Got Asked Out)

    About a month ago, I wrote an entry outlining the first time I got asked out. Well... I lied. Unintentionally. A friend of mine reminded me about the actual first time... and remembering it made me realize why I mentally blocked it in the first place.

    It was the summer of my freshman year in high school. Some band buddies and I went to the beach for a bonfire. My two or three closest friends were there, my band section, and a few upperclassmen... including my brother and my best friend's crush.

    My friend's crush was the band pimp and I disliked him. Intensely. I disliked the way he strung my friend along. I disliked how he thought every girl should fall at his feet. I disliked his stupid comments, his general stupid attitude, his man-whoriness, his muscle tees, the fact that he was a drummer... just about everything about him bothered me.
    So, when I saw him in his general man-whore position, with his arms all over my best friend even though he refused to take her as a girlfriend, I sneered.
    A moment later, I heard someone talking. My eyes flitted up from my mp3 player.

    "You know Danielle," he began, "Considering who your brother is... I wouldn't expect you to look the way you do..." (That makes absolutely no sense since I've been told that if I just shaved my head I'd look exactly like my brother.) "I mean... it's not like you're ugly."

    "Ummmm... thanks I guess." At that point, I plugged in my headphones and tuned him out. But I guess the conversation didn't stop.

    "I mean... you're actually not bad looking. I'd even go out with you... if you'd have me."

    In retrospect, I must've heard him cuz I remember what he said... but I was too busy finding a good song on my mp3 player.

    "AWWWW! That's mean!" I heard and looked up. He was flailing his arms around so I popped one ear bud out.

    "What happened?" I looked up and popped an earbud out.

    "He said he'd go out with you," reported my best friend. I looked at them with a blank stare.

    "Oh..." I popped my earbud back in and tried to listen to some Weezer song or something.

    "WHAT--?!" He started flailing around again, but this time I continued to ignore him. "Why you hatin?!"

    "She thinks you're a jerk," reported my friend, somewhat triumphantly.

    "YOU DO?! WHY?!"

    I looked up. "He wants to know why you think he's a jerk."

    I kind of stammered as I looked for words that could explain what should've been obvious.

    "Just look that this!" I said, gesturing at the way he hung on a girl while asking another girl out. More specifically, he was asking out the best friend of a girl who had a crush on him not only while "flirting" with them both, but while hanging all over her. After telling the girl he's asking out that she's... not as ugly as he expected her to be.

    He, being the douchebag that he is, didn't understand.
    "I think someone needs to explain it to him, Danielle," said my friend.

    I did my best through the awkwardness of it all to explain, but in the end resorted to popping in my headphones and letting him figure it out on his own.
    ...Except later on, he IMed me to ask again. I was a lot more articulate online... but he ended up telling me that he was doing that kind of stuff cuz my friend was getting too attached to him and he wasn't going to get with her so she should get used to the idea. (He should've started with... you know... not touching her).


    ...So the first time I got asked out, it was by a total jerk whom I intensely disliked as a ploy to get my best friend who DID like him off his back.
    ...Great memory.

    What about you guys? Anything like that ever happen to you? Or have you ever tried anything like that to get rid of a persistant crushee? What would you have done in my position?

Saturday, 11 July 2009

  • So I Got Sent Slutty Pictures in an E-mail...

    Today, like every other day, I went online, and my first stop was by my personal e-mail account to see if my friend liked the Franz Ferdinand music video I sent her.

    When I arrived at my inbox, I noticed that another girl, who had sent me a group "Happy 4th of July" e-mail, but besides that had not been in contact with me for over a year, had sent me an e-mail with the title "Hope you enjoy it."

    Intrigued, but innocently, I opened the e-mail... to find that it didn't have any particular message, but instead contained photos... of an EXPLICIT nature... of HER. MY "FRIEND." AND SOME PENIS.

    Granted, we haven't talked in a looooong time, so I can't really count her as a friend. And I won't need to see her or have an awkward phone conversation with her. But still... I NEVER wanted to see anything like that IN MY LIFE. Especially not featuring someone I know. >_<;;;
    Needless to say, the first thought in my head was "WTF?!" followed by "Why would she even THINK I'd enjoy this?"

    I looked at the CC line and saw that I was the only one to receive this. I stared for a minute, not sure of what to do. I must admit, I was tempted to stream it online for all our friends to see as revenge for her exposing me to something so traumatic. But I hit the "Spam" button... and fled.

    So a couple of thoughts: 1) did she send that to me on accident? Maybe my e-mail address is similar to her boyfriend's or her pimp's or something... 2) am I supposed to e-mail her back and make her feel even more awkward about it?
    "Hey ______! How've you been? I'm assuming you're healthy cuz you seemed pretty happy in that picture where you're eating that sausage... I just can't figure out why you'd have breakfast in the nude! So weird! LOL. By the way... I'm guessing your boyfriend never got those pictures. But you should be careful... you never know what people would stream on MySpace or something. Just a warning!
    K, well take care!
    <3 Danielle <3"

    ...

    Has anything like this ever happened to you? What did/would you do? Should I even bother e-mailing her?

reallifedemo

  • Visit reallifedemo's Xanga Site
    • Name: Danielle
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 8/9/2008

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